I’d be lying if I said I passed my first week of professional training with glowing colors. In fact, I bombed at blogging, I bomb at work out, and I bombed in life...
Let's just say, it wasn't my best week and move on.
I met Chris last Monday at 9:00 am and had walked 2 laps prior to our session. It could be the cigarettes (I claim I don’t smoke,) or it could be the fact I have sat on my rear for the largest portion of my life, but I was already a little tired when I met him. I imagine it is a culmination of both factors. I may be the only disappointing daughter in the world whose father died of lung cancer, yet, she still picks up the cancer sticks now and then. I’m like Carrie in Sex in the City. My friends hate the fact I smoke and truth be known, SO DO I! I think, “Jeez.. we all must have some vices. I don’t go to bars and drink often and in fact hadn’t had a drink in over a week, (that is just wasted calories.) I don’t have casual sex or do drugs. But I flocked right back to my bad habit last October when life seemed a bit unbearable. Yes, I know. As if a cancer stick is going to “help” me cope. The totally disgusting part is, I’m being screened for breast cancer, too.”
So why share what an idiot I am with anyone? Well, I have an obligation to TEKNEEKS to journal my process. That was part of the deal I made. Since it has always been my contention that people who were heavy or out of shape had some “emotional” issues and since TEKNEEKS' philosophy is not just about the body, but the mind and the spirit as well, I feel compelled to share what self-destructive tendencies I hold, even should that mean I throw myself under the bus. Should any of this resonate with even one person, know you are not alone. I am straight up and raw when I speak and write, so I’m rolling with it.
I am convinced there are emotional issues I am battling here. I am also convinced the emotional side is the root of my weight gain. Does this imply emotions come to play for everyone? Absolutely not. I am only one case study and I can only draw conjecture from within. But I can state this. Should you hold self-destructive tendencies like the 5 packs of chocolates I have eaten this week alone, and the added small Heath ice cream from DQ I inhaled last night, then so be it. Let’s row this boat together! I am piling the calories so high your most seasoned athlete can't fight me and win!
I need "more" than an athlete to get me across the finish line now...
But let’s talk exercise for a moment. How did I feel last Monday as I left the park after training?
I felt hot, sweaty, tired….
If I tell you I barely did anything, I am not lying. He had me do some things I did in school way back in the 70’s. Touching toes, wing stretchers. (He called them "chain breakers." No worries, I corrected him. HA!) I felt like a school kid in PE class.
AND IT WAS AWESOME!
Monday day I started on the whole “drink nasty, boring water all day.” I drank 5 bottles during the course of the day and evening (which is incredible for me.) And then I realized Monday evening I could not make it Wednesday. Already, “life” was getting in the way. I had business obligations I could not deviate from. I walked my 4 miles Tuesday, but after that, I ate tons of chocolate, smoked off and on, and even drank several glasses of my red wine Wednesday night, with little water or liquid intake--- aside from my wine the one night. And not one stitch of exercise.
Know what I learned? (Aside from the fact I am lazy when it comes to exercise, which I was already aware of.)
I can self-sabotage this entire journey if I don’t put down the food. I have easily consumed 3,000 calories of chocolate and ice cream in a matter of three days.
So now I have another issue to contend with. WHY do I find comfort in chocolate, (other than it is delicious?) And how do I train my mind to not respond positively to negative aspects when they sabotage what I am trying to accomplish?
Chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol, food….
This new journey of mine is proving to be a bit more difficult than I had convinced myself.
And today it commences again..
IT'S MANIC MONDAY...
I need PERSEVERANCE!!
Truth was, I knew I needed to get down and dirty and I kind of knew I couldn’t do it on my own. Not because I am incapable, but due to the fact there are some things innate to me and other things, not so much. Writing, cooking, being opinionated, sassy, perhaps bossing people around… “Those things” are a given for me. Everyone in my circle is aware of my "ways.". But, working out, remaining disciplined and controlled, losing weight I have never carried before… (even when all three children were delivered I had not been this heavy.) No, I am afraid it was time to call in the big guns. My cute little size 3 with the perfect 32C’s had gradually turned to a size 8-10 with 34DDD. Yes, that’s right … Up 7 dress and jean sizes lugging around heavy, can’t hide them, obnoxious boobs.
THIS IS NOT MY BODY AND THIS IS NOT “ME” IN MY MIND.
I no longer look in the mirror to see if I look nice or what accessory compliments my outfit. I now look to make sure my breasts aren’t hanging out obscenely at a business meeting and I don’t have rolls of flab sticking out like a sore thumb. I’ll admit it. I feel unattractive and my energy level has plummeted. I know what they say, “Love yourself the way you are.” I say, “What’s to love about being lazy and allowing myself to get this far away from who I am?” I don’t normally admit this, but fact is, I have been depressed for about three years. Between my emotions, menopause lurking at every corner, starting a business in a new state and sitting behind a computer all day and night for work, I have let myself go. I'm not me and I do not know who this foreign person is staring at me in the mirror.
Truth be known, with my 50th coming up, I promised myself I would look the best I ever have. The other truth is, I look the worst I ever have. Age is not being so kind at the moment, or perhaps I have not been so kind to myself. People do not consider me “heavy” or “fat” grant you, but I feel this is due to societies acceptance of most people being out of shape. Three years ago, I was in the minority. I was the 33% of Americans that were not carrying extra weight. Now I've joined the “in crowd,”
….. but, I WANT OUT.
So, I made a challenge with a friend. I told her, “I did something for you, now you do something for me. Get your trainer to work his magic on me. Promise him I will be dedicated and devoted to this life altering mind-set and let’s get me where I need to be because mentally, emotionally, and physically, I can’t take the new me, anymore. I don’t care about loving myself today. Today I am lazy. I don’t want to allow excuses to stand in my way any longer. I want ME back, and better than ever! I want a "me" I can love tomorrow.”
She text me and said he would be happy to accept the challenge! So, off I went to purchase good walking/running shoes and started prepping my mind for the one thing I truly do not enjoy.